learn to love those who love u...

all my life i have been trying to get noticed by u...
i studied my arse off juz to do better than da rest, to make u proud, played the sport u liked juz to see da smile on ur face n give u the opportunity to support me, i went to the school u wanted me to juz coz u tot it'll lessen ur burden, i suffered around wit no family n no frens at the age most kids need their family most, juz to be where i am now so dat u'll be proud of me, i opened my ears and learned to be matured so dat u could have some1 to talk to, i learned to take the good and leave the bad from the elders juz so dat u wouldn have to go through it all again, i stopped goin out wit my frens juz so dat i could spend more time wit u, i learned to be more expressive so dat u'll know how much i loved u, i stood up for u when the rest took u for granted, i call u everyday juz to remind dat i care, but only to find out u call the rest a few times a day to tell em u love em, i came to u when i was down and all u did was warn me dat i better not have done anything instead of helping me out of it.

and after all this i realized dat im still hidden behind da rest... i'll never be dat special one to u... and dats when i stopped trying to be the extra for u and trying to do it for myself instead..

n now ur askin me if im facing problems, and telling me dat i have changed, n no more the person i use to be... still, i see dat u never appreciated da person i use to be... ur only worried bout u losing dat one person who actually cared bout how u felt and bothered sparing her time listening to u...

what are the 5 C's for a girl..

wat do girls seek for in a guy??

if u were to randomly ask any girl 'what she seeks for in a guy?'... the simplest and most straight forward answer would be 'de well known 5 C's'...

• cash
• car
• credit card
• condominium
• career

or rather a list will be spesified... which will start wit MONEY, looks n etc.. if not the first money will still occupy one of the top spots...

if a random person were to ask me, i wud instantly reply "MONEY!!!", but dat is juz coz im too lazy to explain further... once my fren told me to my face dat if all women were to think da way i did then guyz like him will never have to face difficulties getting a girl... which is quite correct but its not really true dat girls only go for money in a guy...

as for me, my list will be...

1. diligence
2. brains
3. ambitious
4. then the money
5. personality
6. of course a lil good lookin
7. very important - family oriented which comes together wit loving
8. sincere
9. responsible
10. romantic
11. ...

the list goes on to all the lil lil things which eventually becomes a need when ur in a relationship...

my first priority wud be diligence as money does not last... so as to keep it growing one needs to put in a lot of hard work and effort and has to be persistent to accomplish what is undertaken... and u need to be smart to know when n how to be diligent... coz not every one who is diligent accomplishes his aims and goals...

most guys nowadays are pretty much aimless... no offence but i find guys aroun my age or prob even a year or 2 older very immature... but their defence always is dat they rather juz be like dat when there is no need to be serious bout things... but dats not my point... my point is even the idea of chasing for ur dreams n trying to move forward as fast to achieve as much...

then ofcourse comes the money... yes its not a neccessity as money can be earned... but imagine a child from a not so well to do family getting a degree and a child from a rich family getting a degree... yes when u start a job it doesn really matter if ur rich or poor... but its juz the matter of adding to the wealth if ur already rich and starting new if ur not... dat doesn mean dat u wont find a girl if ur not rich coz a rich guy might not have the qualities a not so well to do guy has... and besides its no use being rich and living on ur parents wealth while u don have a name of ur own to stand for... - this is my justification of why girls seek for money in a guy.

then comes the personality and the looks... for me and i think most girls who give importance to their personality themselves... its always nice to point out to a guy who stands out in a crowd n say dat he is my lover... i think the same goes for a guy... u'd not want ur gf to have low self confidence, shy, and unable to start a proper conversation wit any1 for dat matter unless ur da type who'd get intimidated by her being better than u...

and then the loving, sincere, romantic, rational, understanding n bla bla bla... dat is of course important to have the sparks goin for as long...

so here u are a list of wat a girl like me would seek for in a guy... for those who don know me... ME is outgoing yet very cultured, ambitious, gives a lot of importance to education, has a lot of ambitions waiting to be accomplished but is currently tied down with the lack of income as ME is still studying and ME is very matured for her age... ME has pretty much the characteristics of most girls nowadays...

this is for my brother...

after reading my blog my bro was very disappointed dat i had nothing written bout him... so im gonna dedicate this lil space on my blog to him...
i wanna take this chance to thank him, amelia n da boys at home for putting up wit me... giving me shelter n a place i could call home after wat had happen to my place in cyber... i know it was a sudden decision and u guyz had no choice but to let me leech in here... juz to let u know i've never felt more welcome n comfortable... thank you so so very much...
at first it was quite awkward n uncomfortable but i guess i am getting use to it whether or not u guyz r... lol... though i hope the feeling is mutual... but don worry its only for the time being... will find a place soon...
loads n loads of love... muax muax...

Letting go…

As a young kid I use to cry every night without fail thinking of how life would be without my family, especially my parents… there were nights I use to wake up crying, my pillow wet, coz of some dream bout my dad not being around anymore - Indians believe it's good coz it’s a sign of long life - I don understand y such a negative way of delivering a positive msg… lol…
Anyway, I use to pray and hope dat if at all my parents had to leave this world, I would rather them go missing.. like get abducted rather than die… “I know its stupid but I was a kid… mind me n my imagination”... Then, later on as I grew n went away n started living on my own I kinda started accepting the fact dat ppl do age and at some point they wud have to leave this world… being away juz mad me matured n I became a realist... this obviously din mean dat my love for my family lessened, though no doubt it grew even more as I started seeing everything my parents went through to give me the best… n despite the problems and the financial instability the best was wat I got and im proud to say dat dats the main reason I m where I am today n still striving forward further n further…
Being a practical person was wat I thought I was. I was so confident wit my strength of facing life as an individual n without my 2 most imp pillars… even during the times my dad was admitted in the hospital (twice) for his unbalanced diabetes prob, I was strong n convinced dat I was ready to face anything… “Come wat may”… I believed dat life has to go on n at some point one needs to let go…
My dad juz turned 63 this 18th of Sept… his diabetes is at god knows wat level… and my dad being the typical himself is so annoyingly ignorant dat its actually cute… whenever he goes to the doc for his annual check ups n when the machine shows his diabetes is high he claims dat the doc doesn know how to read the meter… which every1 knows is digital.. or his other excuse wud be there was something wrong wit the meter…. It’s always somethin else being the prob but never once it was his diabetes being high for real… he even came up wit his own theory after even relevant experiments which proved dat a persons sugar level actually is lower than usual after a mug of beer… “how cool is my dad”… lol… dats my dad… n dats y I love him… hahaha… he lives like duke, eats everything which is a NO! NO! for a diabetic patient… even a healthy person would be afraid to have such rich meals… but god bless… he has no heart probs, no pressure, no cholesterol, only diabetes… all I wud say is he is one hell of a lucky person… “Touch wood”…
So there was this one night not too long ago, his leg was swollen really badly n my mum getting worked up as usual rushed him to the clinic nearby only to find out dat he had a failing heart… dats wat the doc said… he was suppose to go overseas in a few days… and the doc told him to his face dat if he carries on he has a very very high chance of losing his life… all panic stricken this man still had the guts to insult the doctors degree… lol… but seeking for a second opinion they had visited da hosp n thank god there wasn anything wrong… it was a false alarm… guess my dad was right… “god knows where he got his degree from”… so my dad was back n on to his daily routine… n throughout all this my bro n I wasn informed bout anything since we’re stayin away… after awhile when my sis decided to tell me… I was so angry dat i wished there was at least something wrong so dat he wud start being a lil cautious…
Throughout all this I assumed dat I was this strong person who was ready to face anything… even the worse… but lil did I know dat no matter how much I mature n am prepared to let go there will be a huge part of me dat will be empty n never be able to replace if I ever lost this 2 ppl… taking into account dat I have been away from home since I was 16 and never really got the chance to spend quality time wit my family, really breaks me… especially when I use to be quite a spoilt spot n not appreciate the love I got from home until I moved away… I don think I’ve given back half as much as I’ve received… considering all this I think my life and duties as a kid would be incomplete if at all anything were to happen… n guess I am not and will never be ready to let go… guess no1 is as strong as they say they are… one could never finish repaying the good deeds of a parent…

21!!!

today i realized dat 21 has made me a better person... juz within a matter of months into turning 21 i realized dat i have matured a lot...

A year ago i had a huge argument wit a very close fren... a fren dat was my only company in class n a fren who knew everything bout me during dat period of time... i was there for her when she needed a shoulder to lean on... i tried to make her strong n not feel the emptiness when she had no1 to turn too... i introduced her to my close frens... i made her one of us... i made sure she never felt left out... i included her in every one of my plans wit the gals... dats how much i tried being a good fren... but at the end of the day, she betrayed me... she told some1 very close to me at dat point dat i wasn being sincere, which wasn true n when she was one of them who knew the real story... every time i needed advise i went to her n i always asked her to tell me if i was doin something wrong or something i shouldn be doin... but she use to assure me dat i was on the right track... all i was hurt bout was 'Y couldn she have confronted me or told me straight when i asked her for her opinion'... 'Y did she tell on me???'... dat was something i couldn understand... coz if i were her, i would have told my fren off instead of telling the third party bout my fren.. as much as i tried to be there for her when she was down she tore me into pieces when i was doin perfect... n all this was done while she was still being the person to hear all my stories... she had told this third person not to tell dat she was the one who told bout me...

n knowing MMU is a very small place... n stories move aroun fasted than a bullet train, i found out within a matter of days dat she was the one who told on me... n therefore i confronted her and to cover up she told this person dat i was only doin dat to get back on her... so i decided dat i wud be the beter person n screw everything... so i stopped talkin n juz disconnected everything wit her...

n after more than a year... today i met her at the MMU convocation... she had come wit my frens as they were her frens too... so as i was wit these bunch of guys she suddenly pops up... n i as usual ignore her presence...
but after awhile n after being told dat y not i say hie as i wont lose much... i do...
i go up to her n start a very random conversation bout how is she n how's everything wit her... n the 1st thing she says is she din expect me to talk to her... n i tell her to leave everything in the past as its over n ppl do things sometimes without thinkin... n same goes to me... so we exchange apology n hugs too... then talk for a bit more n i move away... as i don wanna make things anymore complicated...
n during dat time did i realise dat man i have matured a lot... it isn easy to forgive and forget... but i did... my mum has always told me dat the easiest way to clear ur sins is to forgive and forget... coz as long as u hold dat anger n grudge its only gonna bring u down someday... but despite her preaching she still cant seem to forgive some ppl... but im glad dat her teaching has taught me something n has made me a better person... n to be truthful i did not lose anything doin wat i did today... it only made me feel better...
and i m very proud of wat i did...

some of the pictures from our outing...

the outing was superb.. had loads of fun... me, jeya, atiqah, nina... we shud do this more often... hope to see u guyz real soon...

catching up!!!

i can say dat i m not a very frenly person, as im often labeled a snob... but one thing is for sure... when i make frens i make GOOD frens.. i din have many frens in kindy coz i always had this inferiority dat i wasn good enough coz my mum use to compare me to my other frens... she only meant well but it kinda brought me down... n this is one of the shitty reasons y u shud not have ur mum teach in the same school u go to... unless ur the type of kid who stood out or at least cared to stand out in a good way... so anyway i only began to make frens... meaning good frens, frens i clicked wit beginning wit primary school...

my group of frens did change at every stage of my life... and i did stop or reduce my interactions wit the previous groups every time i got a new group... but i never stopped cherishing the wonderful moments we've had together...
Now...
i guess its juz the age... the age where u wanna collect all those lil pieces of ur childhood and put em together, afraid u might lose em... the period where u realize, damn im getting old n if i don catch up wit this ppl now it'll be too late...
so some of us who were frens in primary school did meet up a few weeks ago... we couldn really remember who else was in our group but the obvious ones were only Rachel, Mandy, Pei Shern (since std 2) (couldn make it as she was back in Penang) n i... the 4 of us were really close frens in primary school... we use to do everything together... hang out during recess... sit together in class.. n go to each others house n stuff like dat... cant really recall the exact moments but wat i can recall is we were this gang... if im not mistaken we called ourselves the 'COOL GANG' ... how lame... hahaha... damn the school rules n regulations for not letting us bring out cams to school... they basically stole our childhood from us... sob sob...
anyway thinkin dat we wouldn have much in common since it was 9 years since we last spoke, though we were in the same school our whole schoolin life...trust me from the sec we met till the time we left (forced to leave as it was running late)... we met for lunch, we hopped 2 places in 6 hours... juz sitting n talkin.. we had so much to catch up on... n to think bout it, we r still pretty much the same ppl... we look the same... we still r as expressive as we use to be... truthfully i cant think of any change other than of course the usual... n i realized at dat point 'shit im getting older'... yes im only 21 but ur no more dat kid... even if u were, u were not allowed to let it out... u've come to a stage where ur given the resposibility of playing this matured role... i m only a few steps into it n im already missing my childhood... god i've got a long way more to go... its sad... haih...




ok so considering da fact dat time is running out n i have many more group of frens to catch up wit since school... my next big gathering is today... for lunch... this time it's gonna be the JANYL's.. but unfortunatesly the L cant make it... as usual something has come up... *winkz* no offense ha... so yeah it's already almost 7 in the morning n i blady hell cant sleep due to overdose of coffee... n i have to leave at 11 latest in order to be in One Utama by lunch... unless my bro is nice enough to come pick me up... which i know for sure will not happen... so... haih i better go get some rest... hopefully im not late... as punctuality is my num 1 prob... aight need my beauty sleep... cant have puffy eyes as there is gonna be hellofalota cam whoring...

feelin shitty... ARGH!!!

Today, isn a very good day for me...
nothing really happen... but i have been feelin very shitty... its juz due to something some1 told me... this person (X) prob din mean to be harsh or rude but maybe X thought it was the truth n he was close enough to juz tell me wateva he felt...
i have always been the type of person who says n does things as to not hurt or harm any1... though at times i do tend to, but it isn intentional...
this thing X told me made me feel as if i wasn good enough... juz not good at all...
i have always been this person with not very high self-esteem but i always managed to live pass it by trying to be a better person... this character of mine has brought me a long way... but at times... for instance times like this... i totally break down... i know it'll pass.. tom will be a new day n i will still come back to my usual self... but still, wat i don und is y do ppl do this??? y do ppl say things like this... certain things r jus best kept to em selves... but on the other hand wat right have they got to judge... sigh... its jus very disappointing when u try to be there so much to lift em up when they r down but they on the other hand... juz go on living their lives like nothing else matters except wat they feel... stop being selfish!!!... don juz live for urself... make the ppl aroun u happy in order for u to share dat happiness together...

What is LOVE???

LOVE...
i have always wondered n have also asked many... WHAT IS LOVE??
seriously.. when u say ur in love wit some1, wat is the feeling like? how long will it last? how sure r u dat he or she is THE one? so many questions n only one answer... "u'll know when ur in love, its difficult to explain"...
but c'mon u feel a lot of emotions even when any random guy shows any extra attention... (talkin on behalf of gals)... guyz say we're desperate... but its not our fault... we need our attention... my fren once told me dat for gals, in their list of most essentials, attention would be one of the top... i do not agree to dat statement but i can't deny dat we do get a bit off track once there is any sort of attention from the opposite direction ...
anywayz back to the topic of love...
for me i feel dat love is nothing really... its juz made of little components of understanding, give and take, interest, obligations and a lot more... but most important the effort... the minute u stop putting dat extra effort everything juz breaks down... i don know for guys but im guessing its da same both ways... from my observation i find dat ppl tend to get a lil extra egoistic when they r in a relationship... they tend to expect everything to be done the unusual way...

from my experience... every component of love is inter-related... once one of it lacks some how or rather everything tends to fall apart sooner or later...

but the question is... wat if the relationship is goin perfect for one party(him) but on the other hand the other party(her) loses interest... loses interest coz there is no effort from him... he gets too comfortable wit her... he thinks dat she'll understand no matter... but for how long?? i doubt she'd be able to tolerate... she needs to get back as much as she is giving... yes it does sound unfair, but how long can she keep trying to be there while he is busy wit wat he believes in is his passion...
so, my point here is would it be unfair for her to leave the relationship n move on wit her life or shud she juz stay n try to love him back coz he loves her... would her love for him then be sincere or would it juz be an act... a show put on... but then again i have always believed in the saying dat goes "love some1 who loves u"... so which is which...
but then again thinkin rationally... love has to be 2 sided... the feelings of wateva dat describes love has to be mutual and not one sided... coz at the end of the day it still comes back to understanding, effort n ...
so i think it shud be fair enough for him to try and understand the situation rather then trying to hold her back and after she has decided to leave for good, haunt her n make her feel guilty for wat she had decided... when i think it was all his fault to start with... yes it would be riduculous to say dat i ended my relationship coz i wasn getting enough attention... but we need to understand dat its all connected... and love is not exactly as wat is portrayed in movies like.. eg; romeo and juliet...

so my conclusion would be dat love isn everlasting... it starts out with all the wonderful feelings dat cannot be expressed and as it goes it turns into obligations, expectations and a whole lot of sacrifice...
or maybe i juz haven met the right person yet...

blogging

i have been wanting to blog for a really long time... i guess it shows since my 1st and only blog b4 this was months ago... but i have always had my own excuses...
-not creative enough at writing
-nothing cool enough to write bout
-no time
-n yada yada yada...

anyway reading every1's blog i have come to realise dat who cares wat n how i write... its my blog n i shud write bout wateva i feel like writing... wateva im in the mood to write bout... but still y is it dat i m so particular of portraying this perfect personality of writing well n being this interesting person... sigh... its annoying me!!! i need to change... HELP ME....

university days in malacca

my days in malacca... mlc prob isn da best place to spend ur uni days at but trust me, from my experience when u have the right bunch of frens any place wud be the best place to be in... i spent 3 years there... always tot it was boring and but now dat im leaving im really sad n down...

the first year was for my foundation... n the other 2 was my first 2 years of my degree program...

Foundation was superb... i had a great bunch of frens... who others might have considered nerdy... but i personally tot that they were fun, smart n juz totally worth being frens wit... elaine, shad, kuok, ana n i... no doubt ana n kuok were a lil quiet but dat was maybe coz shad never gave em da chance to speake... haha... anyway i personally, found some1 i cud open up to n really talk to (elaine)... coming from a school where people juz looked down at u coz of ur colour n da fact dat u weren't one of em and to add to dat performed well in ur studies (boarding school)... i obviously din have much frens... so having this one close fren meant a lot... maybe the world to me... later i moved on to getting a bf... since i was deprived of men in my life ... haha... n he was really wonderful too... my life was juz perfect i would say... elaine n this guy were juz 2 ppl who i cud talk to n turn to for anything at all... until i had to choose between them...

After my foundation when all my frens decided to leave for a course offered only in cyber, i on the other had decided to stay back in mlc... dat itself clearly shows who i chose... but still i would prefer claiming that it was due to some personal reason...

I decided to start new... move in to a new place wit new housemates i din even know... the first few months of the 2 years were lonely... lonely wit no1 to talk to or hang out wit... and dat only made me more depressed over time... but as time passed i found more n more similarities between my new roomate n i... at da same time i found a new fren in class... some1 i always sat in class wit n studied wit... she was a lil typical if i might say but wat the hell... she was still a fren and dat point of time i cud juz make do wit whoeva who wanted to be my fren... so i introduced her to my roomie n my roomie introduced us to her fren, suria... we became a bunch n use to do a lot together... it was really great... things weren't exactly like how it use to be in alpha... but it was really nice... but only until i had found out dat this fren of mine had back stabbed me... anyway long story there... so yeah i was back to sitting alone in classes n studying alone... anyway the group then was left wit my roomie - shobz, her fren - suria and i... after beta, our 1st year, suria had shifted into my unit... we became closer n life was a blast... partying n clubbing every other week... but none of us neglected our studies though we did slack a lil which increased wit time... but we realised sooner and stoped on the partying... but we still had each other to talk to n juz cry to wheneva we felt broken n torn... we always tried to be there for each other... n yes u guyz were always there for me... thank you...

N towards the end of this 2 years is when one of my fren-shad, who had left to cyber decided to come back to mlc... yes we were frens n we were in the same group in alpha n we hung out a lot together during that time but i always tot he was juz dat fren u cud have a good time wit n not the type u cud really open up to... but guess i was wrong... so totally wrong... it was during this few months did i get to know this guy really well... he was the total opp... anyway all i can say is dat he is da sweetest LITTLE creature i have eva come across... n it makes it more diff for me to actually leave.... im seriously gonna miss u donkey...

When im finally suppose to be settling down i decide to move to cyber.... and start all new... many things have happen along the way... both good and bad... mostly good... but da very few bad reasons r obviously the major reasons for me to move... and also coz my family thinks dat i'll be closer to em... many people have asked reasons for y m i moving... truthfully i have no valid reason... but i guess im juz lookin for a new begining... i know it aint gonna be very smooth but guess its juz too late to turn back time... i still have a few weeks b4 i start my 3rd year in cyber n i swear im already missing life in mlc... But anyway i had a blast this 2 years... though it might have started out really bad... i would sum it up as the 2 most wonderful years of my life so far... this is another group of true frens apart from those i had from school (talkin bout b4 i went to boarding school) ... this 2 years was juz great... there were many changes i had experienced... i went from "nerdy yamunah" to "hawty yamunah"... haha... but im still the plain old yamunah my frenz know.... n will always be... i love u guyz... u guyz have made my life so colourful n wonderful... hope nothing changes between us...

ps-

shobana, suria & rashad

love u guyz... gonna miss u guyz loads... keep in touch... always!!!...

elaine

cyber here i come!!!

xoxo